http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of2WzZx9AhA

so take your hat off boy when you're talking to me

just listening to the Cranberries at maximum volume and contemplating watching Empire Records. also contemplating how my life is a big joke and i feel like sad Keanu this week.

nevermind i'm going to watch Six Feet Under and probably order food in from Shangri-La, haaay.

DJ A.M. dying after surviving that airplane crash - ain't that some shit.

i'm exhausted to the point of tears. i said i would go to karaoke, but right now i'd rather stick my fist down my throat.

"reasons not to make an OkCupid"

this week:

wake up at 4:30 am, work until 11 am. do homework, go to class at 1:30. sit in class until 9 pm. do homework until midnight. repeat. i can't force myself to sleep and i can't relax. this is awful. tomorrow i'm pretty much going to resemble the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket AFTER Vincent D'Onofrio shoots him.

today:

Detroit is a wasteland. particularly in the dude category. it's creep-central. mommy-issues all over this bitch. i'm already exhausted.

i just really think a Bad Ass beer and pirogies would really help my outlook right now.

i'm also going to chronicle super embarrassing alt-emo-kid stories of mine and Derek Robertson's past because they are too depressing and ridiculous not to be written down for posterity.

Derek Robertson: "One time like all my cds were stolen when I was 13, so I shoveled snow all winter listening to the only two I had left, "Something to Write Home About" and the first Anniversary album." (asked why they were stolen) "Accidentally left my cd wallet on the lunch table during auditions for "Arsenic and Old Lace", worst day ever."

On Garden State:

Derek Robertson: "I saw that with this girl I liked on my 15th birthday and we were both just like O_O so deep"

Alex Phillips: "I had a boyfriend when I was 15 who looked like Zach Braff and he loved it so much. He was the dude I first banged. Everytime I look at Zach Braff I think of the worst day of my life, followed by a huge blue Slurpee."

Derek Robertson: "My first girlfriend got emotionally mad at me while we were listening to NMH and playing Street Fighter cause I kept winning so I had to let her win. She made me cry while we were watching The Decemberists at an outdoor music festival."

this is going to keep going, by the way. a series, if you will.

"i'm okay with being unimpressive, i sleep better" is a real movie line HOW?

i'm watching Garden State. THIS MOVIE IS REAL YOU GUYS, IT'S PATHETIC AND BULLSHIT AND IT WAS TOTALLY FUNDED BY A MAJOR STUDIO. I CAN MAKE ANY MOVIE I WANT WHEN I GROW UP. I particularly like watching Zach Braff pretend to be high. choke on a dick, Zach Braff. Peter Sarsgaard is shaggable, however.

also, last night taught me that i hate everyone, can't trust anyone, and everyone can kindly go fuck themselves with a piece of glass up the urethra.

my plan for the rest of the week involves a mini-road trip to escape dumb cunts, see my actual friends, and continuing to ride solo like Jason Derulo. i see what you did there, Derulo. also, school and work. also, two more cupcakes in the freezer. also, re-developing my addiction to staying up all night watching movies. sleep is failing me.

i hate clean hair.

literally wasting my life away on the internet every single day for the past week. i come home, take off my work clothes, strip to my underwear, and turn on my computer. sometimes the tv. music usually is in there somewhere. recently i've taken to cutting up my t-shirts and dresses so they can better fit me. lesson learned: don't buy clothes in the middle of an eating disorder, or else when you finally feel better you re-consider the whole not eating thing because your clothes don't fit.

i digress.

not really, because this is a ~*feelings*~ journal. sort of. my tumblr is for reposting pictures, livejournal is for the last 4 people i know that actually use it, and facebook is all-consuming. so. here i am.

i started watching some of Ryan Adams' self-made videos from a couple years ago, when he went "sober" or whatever. not only did i realize he's my soul mate, i realized i feel exactly how he feels in this video right now. this past summer has been a total shit-show from start to finish - fuck it, this YEAR has been a total shit-show - and i'm just starting to feel like myself again. this even happened within two days. i was faced with the idea of being alone for a much longer period than i had originally hoped, and suddenly it wasn't so scary. no alex, you don't need someone to hold your hand through life. no alex, you don't need to be out of control to deal with life. and no alex, you don't have to put yourself out there when that person isn't giving anything back except heartache. CRYPTIC, I'M DOING IT WRONG.

anyway, here's the video. he's listening to Eddie Floyd, this is how i know we're supposed to be best friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3ah8T87wtw